How do I avoid fights at family gatherings?

Surviving & Succeeding at Holiday Gatherings

The goal here isn't to fix the family. The goal is to keep your system running reliably. These steps are designed to help you regulate emotion and choose your actions deliberately, ensuring you have a good visit, not a chaotic one.

Step 1: Define a Non-Negotiable

• Action: Before walking in, write down the single most important outcome for you.

• Example: "I want to be present with my kids for two hours and leave before the drinking starts." "It's important to me to keep a calm response, regardless of what Dad says." "I don't want a political argument to ruin dinner or gifting."

• Why it works: When the chaos hits, you don't reactively engage. You refer back to your goal. If the argument doesn't align with your goal, ignore it.

Step 2: Run Interference with Intentional Questions

• Action: When a strong opinion or high-conflict topic enters the conversation, do not engage. Instead, redirect the conversation.

• Execution: Shift the focus immediately to something else related to the family members present. Example: If your uncle starts a volatile political debate ,tell him you don't want to talk about politics at the Holiday Gathering, and give an alternate topic:  "How is that welding project going in the garage?" or "Aunt Sue, I wanted to ask—where did you find that recipe?"

• Why it works: You are not solving the conflict; you are tasking the group with a different, lower-stakes focus. You are setting a limit around no high opinion conversation, and giving an alternative suggestion.

Step 3: Identify an Emotional Exit Strategy 

• Action: Identify a specific, concrete escape route that is socially acceptable and practiced. Examples are:

  1.  Load up the car early so that "leaving is less stressful."

  2. Help with meal prep or clean up.

  3. Go outside to take a quick call, real or fake.

  4. Check your tires because you thought one was low.

  5. Empty the trash and taking it to the chute or trash bin.

• Execution: When you feel the tension spike. push your breath out. Remind yourself of your goal. Try a redirect. If the tension doesn't drop, use one of the above exit strategies. 

• Why it works: You task your brain with a safe, practical solution instead of letting Fight/Flight pattern take over your response.

Last Step: Log the Successes 

• Action: Immediately after leaving, log three things you did successfully. This reinforces your new behaviors.

• Execution: Examples: "I stayed calm when Mom asked about my finances." "I successfully used the Emotional Exit Strategy when my brother got angry." "I didn't try to fix their arguments."

• Why it works: You are validating your competence, not the chaos of the family. You are building proof that you can control your response, which is the definition of a Solid Base.

If you want a more specific plan, or to debrief after the events, Book here and we'll talk it through.