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In your efforts to do all of the things right: keep a job, pay the bills, work out, raise the kids often your most important relationship suffers: the marriage.
In your efforts to do all of the things right: keep a job, pay the bills, work out, raise the kids often your most important relationship suffers: the marriage.
I have heard over and over that the expectations for men in relationships are that they know the same things as women, and that causes frustration. Conversations with your spouse feel like dead ends. She might accuse you of "fixing" instead of "listening." She might say you're "defensive" and all you want to be is understood. At some point one of you shuts down and neither of you feel good about it.
The deck is stacked against men. Early on in childhood girls play in pro-social ways. They caretake dolls or siblings and take turns serving pretend food and talking. They learn early which behaviors are good relationship skills. The rules of relationships continue to be taught as they grow older. Girls are often expected to behave nicely and are instructed how. Girls are usually permitted to have feelings and are taught acceptable expressions. Media targeted towards women include heavy social themes that teach them which romantic behaviors are wrong or right. The dating books are largely written for women.
Alternatively, little boys move their trucks and their buckets of rocks from here to there. They learn how things move and work in space. Boys and teens are often allowed "to be boys," which turn out to be behaviors that will get them into trouble later with their wife. Boys are not often allowed to have feelings, and are not taught healthy expression. Further into teen and adult years media marketed towards men is usually missing pro social themes. They are action and excitement filled with some themes of romance and some themes of brotherly friendship, but not enough of the things your female partner wants you to know that she learns in her media.
The compounding result is that the deck seems awfully stacked against men. Women are frustrated that their male partners "don't get it," and their male partners are asking "what do I do?"
I have done a lot of work with men over the years to decode what their partners wish they knew. What are the relationship skills that are required to make a "happy spouse" for a "happy house?"
Listen without fixing. Express needs without attacking. Handle conflict without running.
Send me an e-mail, let's get started
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